So as you all know my birthday is this coming Tuesday. I had hoped for a pretty quiet one this year. But that's not gonna happen.

It's already been nuts.

I should have known it was going to be ... odd ... when my "friend" from work asked for my address. Okay, he really is my friend, not just a "friend", but he used to be a better friend back when I first moved here. That's mean. But it's true. He's done some jackass things to me, most notably including saying some mean things about now ex-girlfriend back when we first started dating. (See, I'm not being totally shallow. I have reasons.)

Anyway, he's got a twin brother, too. Odd.

So last week my friend e-mails me at work, asks for my address. Apparently his brother wants to send me a present. I tell him my address. Twin-boy writes to me, saying that I have to be home at noon on Saturday, March 27th to receive a package. Okay.

Saturday rolls around, and after spending all morning talking to my best friend from high school, it's almost noon. My roommate, asks if I want to go to Old Town Pasadena shopping. "Sure, I just have to sign for this package at noon. Then we'll go."

At noon nothing happens. 12:20 rolls around, and the phone rings. Someone is downstairs at the gate, I can barely hear them. Sounds like she said, "Hi, it's Kimmy." I buzz her in.

I go out the door, and it's not a FedEx or UPS delivery person coming up the walk. Odd. It's a thin blonde woman, probably in her mid-30s, with some kind of bag over her shoulder.

She asks if I'm Josh. Odd. I'm confused. Well, not about my name, more about who she is. Is this one of my roommate's friends that I've met and forgotten? Hmm.

Then she asks if I have a roommate. Odd. I say I do, that she's at home. I'm confused. That pretty much rules out that she's one of my roommate's friends.

She must be a masseuse. Yes. A masseuse. That's it. But don't they carry a big table, like Phoebe on "Friends"?

She has no table.

Kimmy can tell that I'm confused. She asks if I have a special occasion coming up.

"Birthday. Tuesday."

"Oh, that must be it", she says.

She comes into the apartment. My roommate comes out of her room. "Jill, Kimmy, Kimmy, Jill."

"So I'm Kimmy from Pretty Maids, I'm here to clean your apartment in the nude."

Oh-kay...

I get the cell phone and try one of the brothers. Not home. "So hey, just wanted to give you a call, yeah, looks like the Dodgers are going to lose to the Tigers huh? The game being in the eighth inning and all. Oh, and Kimmy is here, you know, the nekkid maid. Yeah. Call me."

I call the other brother. He answers with that smug grin on his face. Bastard.

Meanwhile, Kimmy is congratulating my roommate on what a clean apartment we have.

The other brother calls me back on the house phone, so I have both brothers on with me at the same time. Bastards.

I hang up on them, and Jill goes into her room. Kimmy and I share a short awkward moment, and Jill comes back out of her room with shoes and her purse. "Going to Ralphs."

"No! Wait, I've got to go with you! I have a shopping list here! I'll go with. Wait for me! Kimmy! Kimmy, thanks so much for coming out here, but, as you can see, we've got a pretty clean place, and don't really need your help, I don't think, but thanks for coming."

She tells me that the brothers have prepaid, so it's no big deal.

"Yeah, no. Thanks anyway. Have a great afternoon, though."

She leaves. My roommate cracks up. I pace.

But seriously, what are you supposed to do in this situation?

A) Watch the rest of the baseball game on TV while she cleans.

B) Let her clean ... while I follow her around the apartment, staring at her nekkidness.

C) Sit down and chat. "Kimmy, that's short for Kimberly, right?"

I guess she's just a naked maid with a heart of gold.

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