The crazy right-wing writers.
In my hometown Bridgton News paper it's this guy Tom McLaughlin. Each week his column spews hatred and bile about the "liberal media", "Islamofacists", and "feminists". The gist each week is pretty much the same - how he's awesome and everyone else is an asshole.
Of course most of the time his writing is so broad, the uninitiated might think he's joking, that he's parodying the parroting pundits of Fox News.
But sadly he's not.
Anyway, the other day I picked up the local The Times Record paper for mid-coast Maine. The back page of the first section is the "Commentary" page, and that's where I met Diane Simmler.
Let's just say she's cut from the same red, white and blue cloth as Tom McLaughlin.
But because her rants are in a bigger paper, they also get up on the internet tubes.
Thus I present: Diane Simmler's "A sad day in our country's history"
In case you don't want to read it, here are a few of my favorite bits:
- "We are about to be enslaved by a new breed of government and society."
"The good have been mocked and the evil have been praised, worshipped and now elected. True heroes have been picked apart and connivers couched and protected by teams of media elite."
"We have now chosen a future of mystery and uncertainty all in the name of hope and change. As flowery as his words sound to all who have voted Democratic, our president-elect's "values" are an abomination to our American ideals. Those who have been researching and learning the truth realize that this contest's outcome is the first step toward converting our democratic republic to communism. Wait and see. You've unleashed an unknown force that even you will tremble from in days to come."
Awesome!
I have to wonder, do you think that Tom McLaughlin and Diane Simmler know each other? Are there annual hatred conventions where they learn the new topics and buzzwords? How to most effectively sow fear, uncertainty and doubt?
Or are these writers bitter and mean precisely because they live alone, with radical thoughts that drove away their neighbors and families and childhood friends?
Maybe it's option three - that Tom McLaughlin and Diane Simmler don't actually exist. In reality they're made up people - fronts for a Karl Rove-ian cartel to try and radicalize the country through our poorly copy-edited local weekly papers.
Either way, I like to think of them as Colbert-ian satirists. What can I say? It helps me sleep better at night pretending that these people don't actually exist.